A Simple Tapir

Seymour M. Tapiro
Species Tapir
Business Sands

Seymour M. Tapiro (Seymour Babyboy), a tapir who sells sands for disc shaped objects, made his first post on September 23rd, 2014. He Who Reaps The Dividend, Seymour plapped into the earliest point of actuality in the ancient days of long-past cosmoses. He has been known to tell amazing scary stories. Despite his diminutive size and poor grasp on reality, he seems to possess extraordinary power.

He takes the form/markings of a juvenile tapir, but his age is four of an as yet unspecified unit. He has an innumerable amount of cousins. Upon being asked why he is smaller than his cousins, he responded with "Filled With Wise". He has a hatred for Danes.

Seymour is very outspoken in his support for American presidential candidate, Jill Stein. When he started receiving backlash for this viewpoint, he grew angry, attacking friends and foes alike with his political rhetoric. He is also devoutly Catholic.

On the 16th of February, 2017, in an event known as the Breach, Seymour was replaced by a doppelgänger, identical in appearance but easily distinguishable due to its tendency to speak in perfectly grammatically accurate sentences as opposed to Sands Vernacular.


For a more thorough account of Seymour's history, visit his Youtube channel and watch the Four Dictums.

Creation and The Great Exhalation

In the ancient days of long past cosmoses, Seymour was sprung into existence and immediately plapped upon the warm sands of a nameless place. As he gazed across his newly created realm, his first words were: "I Am He Who Reaps The Dividend; I Am Demiurge and Babyboy, Whose Power Is Without Measure, And I Am Just A Cute Little Creature And That Is Simply The Truth."

Following his self-proclamation, the stars dimmed and Seymour drew up innumerable forms from the sands, and said, "Look Upon Me, My Divine Retainers, And See My Little Rump And My Cute Snout. You I Have Named My Cosigns, And I Have Given To You A Portion Of My Power, That You May Serve Me Faithfully For Ages Unremitting."

Seymour then selected two of his cousins (Gerold and Giuseppe), named them his lieutenants, and granted them many exclusive powers. Drawing in a deep breath, he blew the Great Exhalation towards the center of Actuality and thus broadened his realm.

The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing

After the Great Exhalation, the Sands remained in this expanded state for some time. Seymour oversaw the construction of various things, including a great hole that rose from the Dunes. Seymour joined his cousins in settling there, digging a great number of palaces. This age is to be called The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing.

One day, Seymour witnessed cousins who worked without vigor, who played without gaiety, and became enraged. At the edge of his realm, he sculpted a dark sea. Upon its rocky shores he placed these cousins, condemning them to roll and mash without end.

The Later Days Of The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing

In The Later Days Of The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing, a light fell down from The Place-That-Is-All-Places into a distant and little-known land. At the landing site of this peculiar light he met a strange and unknown thing whom he conversed with. This being was Elmer; once discovering his identity, he said, "Now I Know Who I Am, I Am He Who Ushers In The Impulse To Exist; I Am The Intruding Presence And The Agitator-Of-Rule, And I Am Called Elmer."

Hearing this, Seymour replied, "Didn't Ask!" and returned to his hole.

Time passed, and Seymour's influence grew. By The Very Latest Years Of The Good Ages Of Digging And Playing, his vision and knowledge had begun to encroach upon Elmer's land. Seymour saw that Elmer had produced a collection of shapes and colors then unknown to him. Seymour told Elmer, "This Is My Home, You Baby Boy, And I Have Named It Jungle."

Decimation Of Elmer's Jungle

Seymour became enraged, striking at Elmer with One Thousand Immaterial Blades, desolating his jungle with a single Blistering Thought. Elmer fled, honking, into the farthest reaches of Actuality with his many nieces and nephews. Elmer consumed one fruit as he fled, stopping to defecate when he could flee no longer. From within his dung flowed a wide river, the fruit's seeds producing trees, and Elmer, along with his family, wove utterances into the leaves that Seymour and his cousins could not penetrate.

The Truce

Seymour emerged from a shimmering boundary and remarked to Elmer, "How Cunning You Have Grown! It Is The Boon Of Actuality That You Are Allowed To Persist." He then produced a license that read: "ELMER THE APE - FUNNY MONKEY - VENDOR OF FRUIT". Giving Elmer his vending license, Seymour added, "Do Not Think You Are Beyond Me." The license was then absorbed into Elmer's form, changing him.



  1. He has made at least one known trip to the moon.
  2. Jill Stein has said he looks like Frank Sinatra, according to Seymour.
  3. He owns Budapest, Hungary.
  4. Seymour once signed the Declaration of Independence (however, a prankful gnome erased his signature soon afterwards).
  5. He has convinced the President to visit his home and buy his sands.


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